the manifold layers of personality

i cannot properly explain what i am feeling right now, but the closest thing would be loneliness. what stands in contradiction to the usual desire that this feeling produces is that i am most comfortable being alone. so why am i discomforted and anxious when i am utterly alone in my room, despite the overwhelming attention given me by my little kitten? i believe i require someone to be physically close to, someone to experience with all my senses; but i find it nearly impossible to find her. there is always some peculiarity or idiosyncrasy that i stumble upon, infecting me with disinterest or aversion. am i being too particular, or simply impractical? i have developed an apprehension for anything hinting of dependence, but i know that if i absolutely fell for a girl (which used to be a usual occurrence of mine), i would want nothing more than to submit myself to her entirely. i know how dangerous this is, but after spending such a long time alone, it is unequivocally attractive. i am tired of feeling lonely, but i also have so much trouble expressing myself, and linked to this, really doing anything about it. in some ways i am scared of opening up too much, but in others i often reveal much too much before i barely know the listener. predictably, this initially straightforward entry has spiraled into chaos.
what i really need right now is the chance for a meaningful relationship with a girl who has no illusions about fantastical romance or harbors threatening expectations. there really must be someone out there who is willing to try to understand me and accept me for who i am, who will not criticize my eccentricities, and who is willing to let me learn about her.